god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
