He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
