I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
