i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
