I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
