Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
