i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
