uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
