he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
