I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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