I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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