when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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