im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize