Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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