genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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