turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
