Fine. I'll sleep in my office
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
