Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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