Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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