The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
