he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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