I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
