I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
