im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
