My friends, they love my intelligence
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
