what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
