I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize