just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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