Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
