So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
