gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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