Your face is a jimmy john
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize