I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
