My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
