so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
sarcasm needs its own font
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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