haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
