3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
