puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
