I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
