my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You pole danced in your parka.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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