I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
