I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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