So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
