come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
