it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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