what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
