I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
