is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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