no, he came in my armpit
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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