Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize