Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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