I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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