I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
