i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
