My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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