if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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