i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
