I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
