The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
