You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
