So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
