you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
